Here are 10 ways to create true
intimacy, find pure love, and be truly happy in your relationship:
1.
Use relationships to teach you how to be whole within.
Relationships aren’t about having
another person complete you, but coming to the relationship whole and sharing
your life interdependently. By letting go of the romantic ideal of merging and
becoming “one,” you learn as Rainer Maria Rilke says, to love the distances in
relationship as much as the togetherness.
2.
See your partner for who he or she really is.
The romantic tragedy occurs when you
view the person you are in love with as a symbol of what they have come to
represent, the idea of them. When you realize that more often than not
you don’t really know your partner, you begin to discover who they are and how
they change and evolve.
3.
be willing to learn from each other.
The key is to see the other as a
mirror and learn from the reflection how you can be a better person. When you
feel upset, rather than blame your partner and point fingers, remain awake to
what has yet to be healed in yourself.
4.
Get comfortable being alone.
In order to accept that love can’t
rescue you from being alone, learn to spend time being with yourself. By
feeling safe and secure to be on your own within the framework of relationship,
you will feel more complete, happy, and whole.
5.
Look closely at why a fight may begin.
Some couples create separateness by
fighting and then making up over and over again. This allows you to continue
the romantic trance, creating drama and avoiding real intimacy. If you become
aware of what you fear about intimacy, you’ll have a better sense of why you’re
fighting—and likely will fight far less.
6.
Own who you are.
We generally grasp at romantic
love because we’re yearning for something that is out of reach, something in
another person that we don’t think we possess in ourselves. Unfortunately, when
we finally get love, we discover that we didn’t get what we were looking for.
True love only exists by loving yourself first.
You can only get from another person what you’re willing to give yourself.
7.
Embrace ordinariness.
After the fairy-dust start of a
relationship ends, we discover ordinariness, and we often do everything we can
to avoid it. The trick is to see that ordinariness can become the real “juice”
of intimacy. The day-to-day loveliness of sharing life with a partner can, and
does, become extraordinary.
8.
Expand your heart.
One thing that unites us is that we
all long to be happy. This happiness usually includes the desire to be close to
someone in a loving way. To create real intimacy, get in touch with the
spaciousness of your heart and bring awareness to what is good within you.
It’s easier to recognize the good in
your partner when you’re connected to the good in yourself.
9.
Focus on giving love.
Genuine happiness is not about
feeling good about ourselves because other people love us; it’s more about how
well we have loved ourselves and others. The unintentional outcome of loving
others more deeply is that we are loved more deeply.
10.
Let go of expectations.
You may look to things such as
romance and constant togetherness to fill a void in yourself. This will
immediately cause suffering. If you unconsciously expect to receive love in certain ways to avoid giving that love to yourself,
you will put your sense of security in someone else.
Draw upon your own inner-resources
to offer love, attention, and nurturance to yourself when you need it. Then you
can let love come to you instead of putting expectations on what it needs to
look like.
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